The Chemistry Of Love

Love can drive us crazy, it can excite, envelope, depress and ruin us – sometimes all in the same day. But what is that feeling, where do those emotions come from?

In the words of that 80s Dad rock anthem by Foreigner, I Want To Know What Love Is, writer Anita Ghosh wanted to find out what was going on and whether science could help her understand this mysterious feeling any better.

Romantic love can be overwhelming, all-consuming, ballistic, even. It bulldozes through our lives, obliterating everything we knew before, and sometimes, leaves just abruptly as it arrived. It’s ironic, really; what’s portrayed as the simplest thing in the world can often be an emotional hybrid of jagged connections, undefinable feelings and almost happy endings. It’s unpredictable as much as it’s mysterious, often leaving us feeling no wiser, despite all we know and all we’ve experienced.

Yet what I love about love is how as humans, we continue to crave it, sometimes, no matter the cost - even if the cost is the most valuable thing of all - ourselves. It’s insanity, really. Yet, there’s a primal instinct within us to love, and to be loved, an emotion that has the power to strip us to a rawness and vulnerability little else does. In many ways, it feels like we’re hardwired to love.

Evolutionary speaking, maybe we are, because on the surface, love is about survival. Lust, the first stage of romantic love, defines the strong sexual desire which fuels our urge to find a mate, have sex and create offspring. It’s the tool that, at its most basic, allows our genes to be passed onto future generations. But let’s face it, nothing so complicated as love can be boiled down into something so simple. It doesn’t explain the pounding-heart-sweaty-palms of those first heady weeks or the calming serenity of a fifty-year romance. It doesn’t explain why we yearn to have sex with someone to the point of obsession yet have no desire to have children with them. It doesn’t explain what love is and what love feels like.

So can science help us out? Yes! Love can be explained by chemistry, in part at least.

Ginny Smith, a neuroscience expert whose book, Overloaded, explores how every aspect of our lives are influenced by brain chemicals, explains, “the first year of being with someone is often when we experience some of the biggest changes in brain chemicals.” Most of us can recall those intoxicating moments when locking eyes with a crush reduced us to a hot mess of butterflies and palpitations; our mind fixated on thoughts only of them. While it’s easy to romanticise these feelings down to electricity and connection, it turns out, it’s really just stress, with studies showing people in the early phases of a relationship have higher levels of adrenaline and the stress hormone, cortisol present than those who have been together for a long time. 

And it doesn’t stop there. “A particular part of the brain known as the reward system is activated in those early stages of love,” says Ginny. “One of the most important chemicals here is dopamine, which is linked with motivation.” As a comparison, dopamine is also released in these areas after taking cocaine, evoking similar feelings of euphoria.

What’s also interesting is that an area of the brain known as the amygdala, linked to fear and the frontal cortex, involved in making critical assessments, becomes less active. So it turns out all those rash decisions you made when you first started seeing someone wasn’t you leading with your heart. Instead, it was your brain to blame.

But away from the rush of how we feel when we first meet someone we like, what actually makes us attracted to them? What makes us lust after one person, yet someone else turns us cold? Why can sparks sizzle over Whatsapp, but IRL, everything about them makes us want to climb out of the bathroom window? The answer is, it’s complicated.

We grow up on schoolroom notions of survival of the fittest, picking the strongest mate to produce the best offspring. We’re fed advertising standards of what attractiveness means within society. There have been countless studies of hip-to-waist ratios, symmetrical faces, and how good we smell, yet there’s still little conclusive evidence of what attraction really is. “As well as a huge range of brain areas involved in our attraction to someone,” Ginny adds, “there’s also cultural, and some would argue, evolutionary factors at play too, making it hard to explain.” 

What we do know is that in those early days of a romance, our brain is filled with chemicals evoking emotions telling us our crush is everything. However, over time, these fade and hormones associated with long-term attachment take over. “Studies have shown two hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin, have a role in longer-term attachment,” says Ginny. Oxytocin helps us deal with stress by signalling safety. It’s produced when we feel close to someone, both physically or emotionally, with research indicating oxytocin levels drop when couples drift apart.

On the other hand, Vasopressin has a role in protecting a relationship and can lead to aggression and jealousy. “What’s interesting is that although men and women respond to both hormones, men seem to respond more to vasopressin and women to oxytocin,” Ginny adds. Linked to this, research indicates men who have fewer vasopressin receptors, allowing them to detect the hormone, are likely to report marriage problems and lower levels of marital satisfaction. 

So, if we know the key hormones which evoke similar emotions to the elation of love, can we recreate the same feelings in the lab?

This idea reflects a train of thought explored in 1980s America, where MDMA was administered in relationship counselling. Results showed couples felt more connected after a little trip together in their therapist’s office, leading people to think a pill could one day be the answer to eternal love. Ginny isn’t convinced. “Aspects of love, particularly long term attraction, are so specific to a person, I’m not sure how this can be artificially created,” she muses, “wouldn’t you just fall in love with anyone?” She has a point. This might help with the initial attraction, but what happens when the drug wears off, and you realise you have zero compatibility?  It feels like a more extreme version of beer goggles where most of us know from experience that a good night does not constitute a good life.

And perhaps that’s precisely where we’re going wrong. We so often talk about the first sparks of electricity or initial rushes of adrenaline in those first few weeks, but if that’s all love is, why can’t we just get our kicks from sky-diving? It’s taken me into my thirties to realise that love is so much more, and those intense feelings aren’t meant to last forever because, just as love does, they evolve into something greater, more sustainable, and ultimately more powerful. What makes love feel like a miracle is its unpredictability, requiring dedication and compassion, not perfection by science.

For me, therein lies the real thrill of love - knowing that it might - and probably will - fail, but closing our eyes, crossing our hearts and jumping into the fire anyway.

Read the other stories in our LOVE edition.