Emilie and Nomi photographed by Eden Jetschmann.
Love In Transition
As part of our digital edition exploring the theme of love, we’re honoured to introduce you to two couples who spoke to us about their relationships as they both transition. In these open and honest conversations, they share how they support each other, how their relationships have developed and when they feel most loved.
Photography by Eden Jetschmann
Nomi (she/her), 40 and Emilie (she/her), 32.
Nomi and Emilie met back in July 2020 on the online dating platform OkCupid. They exchanged messages for several days before meeting for drinks in a bar in Berlin which is when they shared their first kiss. They spent a lot of time at each other’s apartments before moving into a place in South Berlin together. They now live there with Nomi’s children from a previous relationship who spend three days a week with them.
What does love look like and feel like for you?
Nomi: Love looks like not hiding who we are and showing that we are a couple. I really enjoy kissing Emilie and holding her hand in the public. It feels a bit like being proud to finally show the world who I really am and who I love.
Emilie: To lay yourself bare and, while she's doing the same, discovering how a powerful, horny complicity blooms. Outwardly, it’s through the chain of everyday things that shape the people we’re becoming. Inwardly, it’s where our own desires get more and more modelled on each other's needs.
Has your idea of love changed since meeting each other?
Nomi: My idea of love changed in the sense that I see love from a very different perspective now. Love is more than living together, having dinner together or having children together. Love is to be really there for each other, to listen to each other. I have learned so much about myself during my transition that I realized how important it is to do it for each other.
Emilie: No, I’ve merely found the right person to dance with.
How have you supported each other throughout your individual journey’s?
Nomi: Whenever we face discrimination we’re there for each other. We talk about the experience and our feelings towards it. When we have to work through our past experiences before we met we also talk about how we felt, what it did to us and how we feel in the very moment. We also supported each other when we’re working through bureaucracy to change our names legally and change our gender marker.
Emilie: Oh my goodness, I don’t think I’m able to summarise it. All I can say is that I can't even imagine how I would have coped with my transition while building an adult life without her and her support. I tried and still am trying to be the same for her.
How have you approached your blended family?
Nomi: After spending almost every day together for the first two months, I talked to my oldest daughter and explained that I had a girlfriend. My daughter was happy for me and eager to get her to know (and so was Emilie). So, we arranged a dinner together. Seeing that she liked Emilie very much we took the next step shortly afterwards and we all spent time together at home with both of my daughters and then at the zoo. Both children were happy with the situation and it really felt like being a family again.
Although being visibly queer, it has felt absolutely normal for me and I have no fear of being discriminated. Since then, Emilie has been always together with us when the children were here and we have grown together as a family.
Emilie: Improvising, but mindful and with a lot of dialogue. We shared our expectations and concerns but we didn’t force each other's hand. We introduced our love to her daughters little by little, letting care, daily life and the experiences of all four of us together define our family dimension, without making decisions in advance. We also gave her daughters space to express themselves freely and let them decide when and how to relate to each of us.
What have been some of the challenges?
Nomi: There are challenges with my ex-wife, not concerning the relationship with Emilie or the children, they’re more to do with her accepting my trans identity. Of course, there are also times when one of us suffers with dysphoria or discrimination which can also affect the other one. Getting the medical treatments, especially epilation, can be tough. Because the laws in Germany aren’t clear enough and the health insurance companies are difficult to deal with. The pandemic has also had an effect on me as we weren’t able to meet friends and I had anxiety concerning the future.
Emilie: The most difficult thing lately has been to find a balance and daily strategies to cope with our psychological suffering. Not only because of the pandemic, but I also suffer from severe depression and dysphoria, for both of us, sometimes presents itself as a sudden storm. However, empathy, mutual understanding and open confrontation have always helped us to overcome the worst depths.
What has your relationship taught you about yourself?
Nomi: That I am a human – a woman – who is loved and worth being loved. At some point in my transition I lost all the hope. I asked myself quite often “Who would ever love a 40-year-old trans woman with children?"
Emilie: How much I can accept the differences of the person I live with, while remaining myself and enjoying our togetherness.
What are some of the misconceptions around non-binary/trans relationships that you wish would stop?
Nomi: First of all, we exist and we are loved. We are in various relationships and people of whatever gender or sexual orientation do love us. Second, trans people can be parents and are as good parents as cis people. Being trans, cis or non-binary has nothing to do with how we approach the responsibility of raising children.
Emilie: Eh-eh-eh, so many! Since we’re talking about family – there is really no point in worrying that children might be confused or upset by the variety of the gender spectrum, as long as you listen to their doubts, talk to them openly and respect their feelings. Quite simply, children are much more capable of understanding and accepting than many adults.
When do you feel loved?
Nomi: I always feel the love of Emilie. Especially when we share wonderful moments or when she listens to me in difficult situations. Also cuddling together in the bed with an espresso and cookies or just looking into her eyes and seeing her smile are moments when I feel as happy has the first day we met.
Emilie: When my Dolcetta calls me “Apina”.
